Friday, December 16, 2011

A Personal Day of Grieving...for "no reason"

I hereby declare Friday, December 16, 2011 my personal day of grieving. Not that anything momentous has happened today.  Nor that the date carries any particular significance. It’s just Time. Finding gift bags with tags written in my mother’s handwriting (“To Cheryl From Mom”), looking through pictures of thousands of homeless kittens, my friend’s son shot down in the street, wolves gunned down from the air….I’m weeping and wailing for each one, for every mother who has ever lost a child, for every pet wandered away from home, for every disrespected creature…and for myself. While it feels awful, I suppose there is some efficiency in this plan, this personal day of grieving; working out all the hurtful stuff at once.

Indeed, these hurts all feel the same; they all feel like Separation. “How can she or he be gone?” “I miss her.” “How can anyone kill a beautiful creature?” It's all about me missing them, me judging Them, me weeping for those we have “lost.” It implies a separation between me and another that I simply do not believe, in my heart, exists.  When I'm in tune with Onenes, there is no hurt, only peace.  Joy.  Bliss.

And yet this grieving is seductive. Most days, I run from it, I bury it, I hide from it. But when I give in to it, I succumb completely. I weep, I wail, I pound the floor. I While it doesn’t feel good, there is relief in feeling it. It occurs to me that this is part of its gift, this grief of mine. Most days, I’m moving so quickly through the day, that my feet hardly touch the ground. I bounce, like Mario from toadstool to brick wall, barely touching down before racing on. Sure, I pray and meditate every morning (or nearly every), and that gets me to a warm and fuzzy place. Then it’s off to the races. 

So today I accept feeling, without judgment (“I should be over this by now”) and without regret (“what a waste of time”), I’m simply grieving. And feeling.  Never mind the floor pounding.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Christmas Tree Angst - Part Two

Even if I find that precious nook where a Christmas tree can be displayed, the next weighty issue is the matter of what kind to get.  While it might seem that artificial trees are the more environmentally-friendly way to go ~ it saves the life of a tree, at least ~ there's a lot of petroleum products required to produce and transport the trees.  And we already have a lovely artificial tree, albeit too big for current purposes, and so it seems silly to buy another artificial tree. And yet I cannot bear the thought of a living tree ~ a living, breathing friend ~ being cut down for the simple purpose of adorning my home for a month.

My tree friends tell me that they do not mind. They are happy to be taken into someone's home to be admired and given a place of honor. They are most pleased to reconnect those of us who spend most of our time indoors with the beauty and grandeur that Nature bestows upon a single tree. They say, "it's good to be loved, and we are glad to be of service."

And my human friends tell me that it's okay to buy a cut tree because these trees are raised for this purpose.  They come from managed farms, not from clear-cutting an old growth forest.  My friends have made a considered choice in choosing to love a cut tree, and I honor their decision.  For me, however, I prefer to honor a living tree, one that can be loved and admired long after the New Year.  Since the recent wind storm took out so many of our lovely old trees, and there are still many hillsides denuded by fire, this seems a win-win choice. 

And so I consider the costs and practicalities of leasing versus buying....and then the Universe takes the matter into her own hands ~ or branches, shall we say.  I won a Christmas tree!  I won't say what kind because it's unkind to look a gift tree in the pine cone.  I am simply grateful to be relieved of this endless internal debate.  And now I can move on to the matter of uncovering that precious nook....