Friday, December 16, 2011

A Personal Day of Grieving...for "no reason"

I hereby declare Friday, December 16, 2011 my personal day of grieving. Not that anything momentous has happened today.  Nor that the date carries any particular significance. It’s just Time. Finding gift bags with tags written in my mother’s handwriting (“To Cheryl From Mom”), looking through pictures of thousands of homeless kittens, my friend’s son shot down in the street, wolves gunned down from the air….I’m weeping and wailing for each one, for every mother who has ever lost a child, for every pet wandered away from home, for every disrespected creature…and for myself. While it feels awful, I suppose there is some efficiency in this plan, this personal day of grieving; working out all the hurtful stuff at once.

Indeed, these hurts all feel the same; they all feel like Separation. “How can she or he be gone?” “I miss her.” “How can anyone kill a beautiful creature?” It's all about me missing them, me judging Them, me weeping for those we have “lost.” It implies a separation between me and another that I simply do not believe, in my heart, exists.  When I'm in tune with Onenes, there is no hurt, only peace.  Joy.  Bliss.

And yet this grieving is seductive. Most days, I run from it, I bury it, I hide from it. But when I give in to it, I succumb completely. I weep, I wail, I pound the floor. I While it doesn’t feel good, there is relief in feeling it. It occurs to me that this is part of its gift, this grief of mine. Most days, I’m moving so quickly through the day, that my feet hardly touch the ground. I bounce, like Mario from toadstool to brick wall, barely touching down before racing on. Sure, I pray and meditate every morning (or nearly every), and that gets me to a warm and fuzzy place. Then it’s off to the races. 

So today I accept feeling, without judgment (“I should be over this by now”) and without regret (“what a waste of time”), I’m simply grieving. And feeling.  Never mind the floor pounding.

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