Thursday, November 19, 2009

Can't Buy Me Love


One of my earliest memories is of my sister and I drawing with crayons, sitting at a little table covered with a beautiful blue velvet tablecloth. I really loved my drawing, and I was drawing exuberantly using broad strokes. Occasionally, my crayon went off the page and made a mark on the tablecloth. In my head, I knew that this was Not Good, but I was so excited about my drawing that I just couldn't stop. Until Mom came in, that is. Boy, did we get in trouble for marking up her tablecloth! She was really steamed. I have to admit that, as a parent now, I know I would have been upset, too.

I never liked to get in trouble as a kid. I do not mean to imply that I was perfectly behaved. That was never even my goal. No, I pretty much did what I wanted to do, but I was the one who tried to hide any misdeeds (much as my son Cameron does today, now that I think about it). I would create elaborate stories to explain problems away. (Cameron does that, too. This is getting interesting). That's what I remember now, anyway. I certainly wasn't trying to hide anything in this event I remember, so it must have taken place before the grand scheme of Cover Ups began.

Recently, I brought up this incident in a Soul Remembering session. Soul Remembering is a process that I am learning where a partner guides me to remember significant events from my past. The goal is not to judge or study the memory, but to re connect with the emotions attached to it, as a way of releasing it. Something told me to look at this memory. I expected to discover something about the incident relating to hiding and daring. What I learned instead shocked me.

When I went back to that moment where my Mom was yelling at me, I heard myself think, "I wish I had the money to buy a new tablecloth." That may not sound like an earth-shattering revelation, but it was for me. I hated to hear my parents talk about money (or more usually, the lack thereof). Their conversations about money were loud, angry, and frightening for me. Pots and pans banged. Cups slammed down on the table. My sister and I cowered in the other room.

I became terrified of my parents finding out that I had done something that would cost them money. If I cost them money, they might yell and scream at me like they did at each other. They might call me the bad names they called each other. They might stop loving me, as they had seemed to stop loving each other. I am realizing that I also learned "If only I had enough money, I could make them stop yelling. I would feel safe again." But I never had money, not any Real Money, as a kid. And I never felt safe. I had forgotten all of this.

Do I still do this? I hate doing something "stupid" like forgetting to pay a bill on time, and having to pay a hefty late fee. Even worse, I fear being found out. "My husband will be furious if he finds out I got another parking ticket." Because it costs money. And if I keep costing the family money, they might not love me anymore. If only I brought in more money, then I could truly relax and feel safe because I could buy my way to safety if something unexpected came up.

That sounds so silly to say, but those old thoughts and feelings seem to be lurking in there somewhere still. Whenever we experience a drop in income, for whatever reason, I panic. I want to hide the ugly truth about any financial shortfalls from others. Okay, so I am still that little girl equating money with security and self worth.

Intellectually, I know that I don't need money to feel safe. Feeling safe in this Universe is an inside job. Inside jobs require inside fixes. No thing from the outside will do it. So I keep working with Abraham and the Law of Attraction, reminding myself that "...the Law of Attraction matches things that are like, not things that are unlike. When you feel poor—only things that feel like poverty can come to you. When you feel prosperous—only things that feel like prosperity can come to you. "

Today, I feel prosperous because I had more than enough money to pay all the bills. And I enjoy an endless stream of ideas of what will bring more prosperity. And I am feeling particularly blessed because it's street cleaning day, and I did not get a parking ticket.

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